I want you to know that the red diaper wasn’t my idea. But if it discourages Korbel from sniffing my butt while I’m in heat, then I’ll put up with it.

    In this photo, I’m waiting for my turn for an exam. I rode in the back on the four-hour drive to something called an “Animal Eye Clinic” in Denmark, Wisconsin. John, Coleman and Korbel were somewhere up front. We parked in this gravel parking lot way out in the country, and the next thing we knew three other cars pulled up, all with dogs in them. Let’s see – there were Kaiser, Mogli, Jean, Johnny B, & Magic. And Maui. I know Maui, of course. It was nice to see her again. All the people were wearing masks. (The dogs were not wearing masks.)  It’s a good thing I have a strong sense of smell, so I could tell who was who.

     John held us while some woman put drops in our eyes while we were waiting in the parking lot. He said it was to “dilate” them, whatever that means. Well, we found out what it meant just a few minutes later. Everything looked crazy. I was really good about letting her put the drops in my eyes. Korbel and Maui were good about it, too. We trust John. Magic was a problem. I’m not sure he trusts anyone. But with enough people holding him, he finally got drops in his eyes too.

     Then one dog at a time, John took the dogs into the clinic, into a very dark room. There a woman (John said she was a doctor) aimed a bright light into my eyes. She had her face right next to mine. It was creepy. She smelled good, though, and she said I was a good girl. She said my eyes were perfect, and I learned later that she said the same thing about all the other dogs.

     Lois arranged the whole thing. It seems that before we can get evaluated by a GDMI (Guide Dog Mobility Instructor) and move on to our final training, we all have to get our eyes tested. We’ll also have to have a vet check out our hips and joints. I don’t know about my joints, but I’m pretty sure my hips are just fine. You can ask Korbel if you don’t believe me.

     After our eye exams, we drove for another four hours. I was a really good dog. Never complained once.
I miss my New Lisbon handlers, and my dog friends who are still there. But they shouldn’t worry about me. I’m getting lots of love and affection. Everyone who pets me says that I’m gentle and loving. And very smart. They say you did a great job with me, which says something about both of us, I suppose.
​
Love,

Lava

He had only been Director for the NIAID (National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases) of the NIH for a few months, when he called me. This was in 1984.

I was serving as interim executive director of the Howard Brown Memorial  Clinic, a woefully underfunded and understaffed basement street clinic in Chicago's boystown. I had stepped into the post when the clinic's ED became ill, and ... well ... someone had to do it. I took a leave of absence from my job as manager of education of the American Hospital Association, and went to work. It was the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. There was work to be done, homophobia to overcome, and patients to serve.

Howard Brown may have been operating on a shoestring out of a dark basement suite of offices on Chicago's Halsted Street, but it had already made a name for itself as a locus of research. The clinic had quick access to a population that mostly eluded more traditional research institutions - i.e. gay men. It's research into Hepatitis had been a key component into the development of a Hep vaccine. So when the NIH needed four cities to each recruit a thousand gay men for the first research project into the newly discovered HIV virus, the NIH turned to Howard Brown.

I was sitting at my desk just beginning my day when the phone rang. "Hi," he said. "This is Dr. Anthony Fauci from the NIH. We've got a problem." He went on to explain to me that Howard Brown's director of research, a respected Chicago doctor and researcher also affiliated with Northwestern University, was attempting to form a for-profit group of doctors in an effort to take over Howard Brown's research programs. In other words, one of Howard Brown's key employees was engaged in an effort to sabotage the work of Howard Brown for his own financial advantage. He asked what I wanted to do.

I told him I would fire this doctor and hire someone else to head the research. And that afternoon I did.

The doctor I fired had been one of Howard Brown's founders. He was widely respected and admired. I was an unknown, temporary clinic manager with one name. The situation became explosive quickly. The doctor hired attorneys who threatened to sue me and the clinic. I had to hire my own attorney to defend me against possible action. The gay press and the mainstream press in Chicago covered the brouhaha extensively. The clinic board called a community meeting attended by over 300 people to explain the firing. The board, thankfully, unanimously supported me. Many in the community did not.

I hired Dr. John Phair of Northwestern University to be our PI (Principal Investigator) for the MACS study. Dr. Phair continued as PI for 35 years, until his retirement last year. The MACS study still continues today. It has produced more than 1000 research papers and has been a crucial element in the world's efforts to stop AIDS. I am patient 20034 - the thirty-fourth study participant in the second site, Howard Brown. Every six months, for the last 36 years, I have submitted to clinical study, along with what has grown to over 7000 study participants.

In 1984, Anthony Fauci dealt with me and with Howard Brown honestly and ethically, and provided a steady hand in a crisis that could well have ended in the demise of Chicago's participation in the MACS study, and the loss of valuable research data. In intervening years, I have had no contact with him, and I can't imagine he would even remember his call to me, almost four decades ago. I have nonetheless followed his career with great interest, as he has guided our nation, and often the world, through one medical crisis after another.

Thank you Dr. Fauci, for being there for us again.

December 2, 2019
 
Eleven green-clad inmates sat in a wide circle in the middle of the prison visiting room, awaiting instructions, but mostly – awaiting an opportunity to meet for the first time the OccuPaws dogs that the trainers (Barb, Lois, John and Coleman) had brought with them: Maui, the poodle; Lava, the yellow lab; Netty, the black lab; and Dusty, Barb’s young service dog.

Before the training began, the dogs were handed over to the inmates. Introductions were made. And it was clear that like us when we began, they didn’t know how to hold a leash, how and when to offer a treat, or what voice to use when talking to an OccuPaws guide-dog-in-training. An hour-and-a-half later, some progress had been made.

At the next session the inmates were clearly more comfortable in their roles. And at the end of the session, two two-person inmate raiser teams took the dogs that would soon be theirs into their cellblock, which New Lisbon calls a unit. An OccuPaws volunteer trainer went with each team. It was the first time the dogs were to see their new homes, six-by-ten concrete and steel cells crowded with two bunks, two lockers and a standard dog crate. The inmates led the dogs into their cells, and like the good pups they are, they immediately went into their crates. I watched as one of the inmates sat on the floor beside the crate, wiping a tear from his face. Then it was time to show the dogs the two adjoining outdoor areas that the prison had prepared for them, one for play (OccuPark), the other a potty area (Business District).

UPDATE: January 30, 2020

There are now sixteen raisers with seven (soon to be eight) OccuPaws dogs at the New Lisbon prison. These men have proven themselves to be quick learners and worthy raisers. Perhaps most notable is how they work together as eight two-man teams, and one larger team, in the training and caring for their dogs. One also must credit the prison staff, who have been active participants in the program and have been supportive every step of the way.

One of the raisers has already served 21 years in prison; another has served 30 years. Imagine, if you can, what it might be like after 30 years in prison, to have an OccuPaws dog entrusted to you. Imagine that your dog lives with you in your cell. Imagine that you get to take on the responsibility of training a guide dog; that you get to help others while you are still behind bars.
​
What we do – this raising of guide dogs – is a good thing. When we combine it with providing prisoners this opportunity, it’s a great thing.

- ​It’s been almost fifty years since I left the confinement of prison. I had no interest in ever returning.

And yet …

Yesterday, I participated as an instructor in a class inside a state prison in Wisconsin. There were twelve inmates, four instructors and three dogs. It was the second class. This was the first time that dogs were introduced to the inmates. The class is preliminary to the inmates getting dogs that they will train – inside the prison – to become guide dogs for the blind. Next week, the first dog will go to live inside a prison cell with two of the inmates, and in following weeks, more dogs will be added until the twelve inmates have six dogs living in their cells.

It took half an hour for us to get passed into the prison. The exchange of ID’s, taking off belts and shoes and passing through the metal detector, the wait for the staff escort, the opening and closing of sallyports, the walk across the yard to the mess hall where the class was to be held …
​
The inmates had the mess hall re-arranged for the class according to instructions they had previously received. All tables and chairs were pushed against the walls. There was a large circle of chairs, and in the middle, three dog crates, each with a water bowl and a food bowl outside it, and a Kurunda bed for training.
We arrived with the dogs and the class began. For the first half hour, the lead instructor spoke to the inmates about the dogs. Then the three dogs were turned over to the inmates – one inmate at a time – so they could begin to practice how to take care of and train the dogs. How do you put the dog in its vest and take the vest off? How do you put on the leader collar? How do you get the dog into the crate? Out of the crate? How do you feed the dog? How do you hold the leash? How do you walk with the dog? How do you dispense treats? What kind of treats? How do you talk to the dog? How do you take the dog to poop?

Here's the deal. This is it. Right here.

​The first inmate took the leash of the first dog. It was fucking electric. He was nervous. Unsure. Tentative. The dog was chill. I was on fire. Every moment that passed, the inmate became more confident, the dog became more responsive. The room lit up. I took a breath. Then another inmate took charge of a dog. Then another. Then another. Eventually, all of them practiced walking the dogs. I walked beside them one at a time, coaching them, encouraging them, as they took their first steps as raisers of guide dogs for the blind.

I don’t know these inmates. I don’t know anything about them other than that they are in prison and that they were chosen by prison staff for this program. I don’t know how long they have been there. I don’t know how long their remaining sentences are. I don’t know what convictions they have behind them. I don’t know if they have family outside the prison who care for them or if they are alone in the world. I don’t know about their education, their backgrounds, their work experiences. I don’t know anything about them.
I do know this. Those twelve inmates fell in love with those three dogs. And for the hour that they were working with the dogs, they weren’t in prison anymore.

I know from my own experience, fifty years removed, what that feels like. I remember being transported, when I was in prison, by certain activities. Activities which allowed me to forget, for a while, that I was in prison.

​What a gift to give to give these inmates on Thanksgiving week. What a gift for me to be able to give it. And what a gift these inmates will give, eventually, when the first dog that has been trained at this prison is given to a blind person.

Seeing Dionne Warwick on CBS Sunday Morning reminded me of this story: In 1978 or 1979, I was sitting at my desk at Park West in Chicago. It was a mid-week day. Nothing much was happening. I remember Jolene Tanty was also sitting at her desk. I looked up and a tall elegant woman was standing in the office doorway.
I stood and asked Dionne Warwick if I could help her. She said she was supposed to be meeting her agent and some television people. Jolene and I looked at each other. We didn't know anything about a meeting, or why Dionne Warwick was standing in our office. We weren't even sure how she had gotten there, since the inside lobby doors were locked. She said she found the coatroom door open, so she made her way inside through the coatroom. She found Park West dark and empty, but then found the stairway which led her to our office.

She asked to use our phone, and learned that her agent was on his way. We offered her a cup of coffee, and she took off her coat, sat down, and we chatted a bit.

Before long her agent appeared, along with the producers of a public television concert series. I turned on the lights in the club and led them to the stage, then left them to negotiate the details of the concert.
The concert itself was stunning. A full orchestra, a packed room, and Dionne Warwick. The televised production was beautiful.
​
Here's what I remember about my brief encounter with Dionne Warwick. She was elegant, composed, warm, friendly, and unflappable. Arriving at a venue that was ignorant and unprepared, she was as gracious as if the opposite were true. She was a consummate professional, and a consummate lady. She was charming.

Once upon a time there was a painter. A portraitist. For years, decades really, he had practiced his craft until he was quite good at it and had gained some measure of recognition for his talent.

One day, he encountered a woman with a particularly interesting face, and he asked if he could paint her portrait. She couldn’t afford to pay him, but that was okay with him. There was something about her face that he felt he had to paint.

And so he did. For days, weeks, months … she sat for him and he painted. After each sitting, she would look at his work and make some small comment. She would suggest a slight change to the background. She would ask about a certain wrinkle near one eye. She would question a shadow, comment on a tint, praise a minute detail.

Finally, the portrait was finished and exhibited in a show. It drew wide praise and acclaim, so much that the line stretched out the door and not everyone who wanted to see it could.

The day after the show closed and the portrait was taken down, the woman told the man that she didn’t like it and she wanted him to paint it again, this time according to her instructions. She didn’t say what she didn’t like about it, or what those instructions would be. She told him she had been afraid to tell him her true feelings about the portrait because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Later, she told him she had been dishonest because she was afraid he’d walk away. And still later, she said she had been dishonest because she was afraid he would blow up.
​
None of that made sense to him, because he had accepted every suggestion she made during his months of painting her portrait. And he hadn’t the kind of temperament that blew up over anything.

They would paint the new portrait together, she said, a brush in each of their hands. And she, not he, would have the final word on what strokes were used in the construction of the painting, what hues, what lines, what shadows. Keep in mind that the woman had never held a paint brush and had no experience in painting.

Finally, she said, when the new portrait was completed, she would sign her name on the canvas. The new work would be presented as a self-portrait.

The painter said no.
​
He later burned the portrait he had made of the woman. He hated to burn it. He had liked it and thought it his best work. But it was never to be seen again.
​

July 22, 1968.

50 years ago, today, a man I didn’t know ordered me to take a step forward.

I didn’t.

Four months later I was sentenced to five years in prison after a 30-minute trial in Oklahoma City’s Federal Court I was twenty years old.

I knew when I stood my ground what the result would be. And yet, I didn’t move. Why?

Because I believed then, and believe now, that the war in Vietnam was wrong, that the United States should never have prosecuted it, that hundreds of thousands of young men should not have been drafted into fighting it, that 58,000 American lives shouldn’t have been wasted, that 2 million Vietnamese should not have been killed.

I gave up my student deferment voluntarily. I thought it was wrong for me to be privileged, while so many of my peers had no means to avoid the draft. I had a half-dozen ways to avoid the draft. I chose to confront it instead. I could have held on to my draft card. I could have applied for conscientious objector status. I could have faked a medical exemption. I could have told my draft board that I was gay. (I am gay. But I thought that was irrelevant and I refused to use it as an excuse.) I could have escaped to Canada, but I opted not to join more than 50,000 young American men who fled the US to escape the draft.

I chose to stay here and make my stand and speak out against the war. I chose to do what I could to stop the war.

I could have opted to refuse induction in Syracuse, less than 50 miles from where I was attending school, and where a judge had recently handed down a sentence of probation to a draft resister. But I chose to return to Oklahoma, even knowing I would likely face a five-year sentence, because in my home state practically no one was opposing the war and someone needed to.

In 1977, those 50,000 self-exiled men were pardoned by President Jimmy Carter. The two-thousand-plus of us who chose to remain in the US and were subsequently imprisoned – we were not pardoned. I have spent my entire adult life as a felon.

I have no regrets. I’ll never know if my act of resistance had any impact on shortening the war. But it doesn’t matter. I resisted an unjust war. That was - and is - a good thing.

Today, in 2018 we find our country in trouble again – quite possibly in worse trouble than in 1968. And not enough is being done about it.

Eventually the US got out of Vietnam. Eventually the draft - which targeted marginalized populations in America while exempting the privileged - was ended. Eventually the leadership of our country that dragged us into the Vietnam War became recognized as the villains they were. Johnson, Nixon, McNamara, Kissinger, Bundy, Westmoreland, Hershey.

Eventually.

May America survive its current heinous administration and its crippled legislative paralysis. May it find the means to thrive for another fifty years and beyond.
​

From Tits to the Wind – The Park West Chronicles
 
I often didn’t know what Jolene was doing at her desk, even though it was only two feet from mine. Same with David, his desk a more proper five feet away. It was clear what I was doing – reconciling last night’s receipts. Seven bank bags stared at me from my desk’s uncluttered surface, where I had plopped them after retrieving them from the basement safe hidden in the back of the liquor room. I was good at counting bills, and good at numbers in general. Fast, too.

I opened the first bag, pleased to see that Ray had, as always, properly aligned all his bills facing in the right direction, saving me time and aggravation in my counting. I knew Vince’s bag would be helter-skelter as always, but at least his bag routinely reconciled correctly. Not so with Ray’s. A cocktail napkin peeked out of Ray’s bag, and I knew what would be on it – an “IOU” from Dale saying that he’d taken $500 or $1000. IOU my ass. It was Dale’s club and when he needed cash for drugs or his monthly Bentley payment or anything else, it was his to take. My job was to hide his self-theft from the books. Everyone knew what was going on, including the bartenders and waitresses with whom he shared cocaine.

I needed coffee. Why hadn’t anybody made any? I grabbed the pot and headed to the hall bathroom to rinse it out and fill it. When I got back that’s when I noticed the coffee basket was empty. Shit. Jolene and David were studiously not paying attention. They’d already been here for hours, Jolene anyway. Why hadn’t they stocked the coffee?

I exited the office, navigated the narrow hall and entered the main room through the door to the lighting booth, then headed down the balcony stairs and cut around to the lobby. I strolled down the bathroom hallway, past the Neidermaier Display glitzy wall hangings, to the auxiliary dressing room/catering room, and said hi to Octavio, my newest busboy, whom I could hardly keep my eyes off of and who was filling a tub with ice. I unlocked the basement door, flipped on the light and descended. Then I unlocked the liquor room, nestled under the stairs, where we had to keep the coffee next to the cases of Dom Perignon ever since I discovered that we were losing cases of caffeine every month from the cabinets in the catering area.
In those days, I had a saying: leave the cash on the counter, but lock up the t-shirts. Tour t-shirts were desirable, rare and valuable, and had to be carefully guarded. Same with coffee it turned out.

Back in the office, a fresh pot finally brewing, I settled in to count the cash. David, it seems, had departed, probably for a run along the lakefront. He was in training for another Ironman. David was twenty years older than I - bald, tall, thin, sinewy, eagle-eyed. He was a gazelle on the Lincoln Park track. I counted the money and filed the payroll and Jolene paid the bills, but David was the real money man - handling the books, filing the taxes, telling Jolene when to pay what, and occasionally squeezing turnips from stones.

Someday, I thought, I might have to try this running thing myself.  Not today.

From the bulge in the bags it was clear last night had been a good night, with the bar clearing ten or twelve k, maybe more. It had been a Phil Johnson night. Phil was a black entrepreneur/ impresario, who rented the club a couple nights a month to throw his ‘private’ disco parties. He had a mailing list of several thousand VIPs, who waited anxiously to discover one of his colorful postcard invitations in their mailboxes.

Our waitresses hated Phil Johnson nights because blacks didn’t tip, but if they wanted to work on the money nights – the jazz nights, the blues nights, the rock & roll nights – they had to work the black nights too. We made one small concession to the waitresses. On the good tipping nights, the cocktail waitresses only made $5 a shift, but they were happy to get it since their tips usually surpassed $100, and sometimes hit $200, and in 1979 that was ridiculously good money. On Phil Johnson nights, we upped their pay to $15/shift.

Phil always drew a good crowd -  a thousand or so well-heeled, attractive dancers, womanizers and players, their white-walled and chromed cars lined up at the start of the party to be driven off by a fleet of valets. Phil was a gentleman, reliable and courteous, who always paid his $1500 rental fee up front and never failed to exceed the $2500 bar minimum or tip the DJ and lighting maestro. He was good to the doormen and security staff, too.  On slow months, when our booked talent failed to provide sufficient funds to meet the payroll or pay the bills, Phil’s parties filled the gap.

Ray’s bag was off again. His register receipt showed he should have stuffed the bag with seven hundred and change, plus Dale’s IOU for a thousand and his drawer bank of a hundred. He was precisely forty-three dollars short. It was time to cut him loose. I’d warned him.

“Hello,” she said.

Glenne Headley was standing in my office. Two feet in front of my desk. Looking at me.
This was before people knew who Glenne Headley was, but I knew who she was. The year before, she and some pals formed a little outfit called Steppenwolf Theatre Company, and they produced avant garde plays in the basement of a northside Chicago church. This year they had moved to a storefront on Halsted Street, where, with makeshift lighting and sets and a scant two score seats, they put on the most riveting theatre I’d ever seen.

“Hello,” I said back to her, dumbly.
“I need a job,” she said.

And my heart melted. Glenne Headley, as talented an artist as I would ever see, was standing in my office asking for a job. This was so wrong.

“Okay,” I said.

She needed money. The whole company, including her husband John Malkovich, needed money, and they all were out looking for jobs to pay the rent and keep food on the table while they toiled to get their theatre company going.

“I don’t want to do this,” she said.

“I’m sure,” I responded. “My name is Coleman.”

“Mine’s Glenne. Glenne Headley,” she said, and gave me the slightest smile with that signature tilt of her head.

“I know,” I said. “I’m your biggest fan.

She relaxed a little then. “So, can I have one?”

“Waitressing?” I asked.

“Yes. I guess. That’s where I’d make the most money, right?”

“Yes,” I said. “Let’s go downstairs, and we’ll get the paperwork taken care of and I’ll show you around.

Glenne Headley was a terrible waitress. She scowled every minute of her employ. She hated the slinky white silk waitress uniform she was forced to wear, and she hated the high heels and she hated slinging drinks.

A week after she started, she was back again, in front of my desk, this time with a glow in her eyes and a big grin on her face.

“I quit,” she said.

“Okay,” I said.

“We got a grant. I don’t need the money anymore. I quit.”

“Great,” I said. “That’s really great.”

I never spoke with her again, except occasionally in my dreams.
 …